I never intended to use this blog as some kind of confessional, but I did decide that I would push away any concerns about content and just write whatever was rolling around in my brain. And “What is Truth?” is currently looping in my brain.

Since the last post, where I discussed how competitive and jerky I can be, I have not been able to get one interaction in particular out of my mind.

Set up: Long time friend, someone I have known since they were a teenager. Grown apart over the years but still with a lot of shared history. 

They were moving away. A mutual friend said that it was a touchy situation and that they didn’t want to be approached and didn’t want to answer any questions about their plans.
I never discussed the move with them, but we both enjoyed gardening and would often talk about our plants, and sometimes our kids, etc, safe topics, all the while ignoring the fact that they were soon to be across the country. 

The catalyst: Months later; the move is imminent. I said to my friend, “If you’re not wanting to take those huge planters across the country with you, I’d be interested in using them.” (Our garden space was shared, so they were right next to my planters.) This was my first and only mention of their move away.
The incident: My friend approached me a few days later and said that they were hurt that the only time I brought up their move was to ask if they were taking the planters. I answered that a mutual friend said they did not want to be approached on that topic and I only mentioned it as we were fellow-neighborly gardeners. I thought by that time that the subject would be less sensitive, I added.She didn’t address the fact that she had requested no inquires, but continued to say how hurt she was that I had never talked to her about her plans and now I was wanting her planters. Then she said that she had decided to be the bigger person and approach me. 

And here is where I was snotty and a jerk. I said, “Being the bigger person implies that the two people have a shared sense of injury and one person puts aside their hurt and tries to mend the relationship. But since, she had asked to not be approached on the subject of moving away, I had no idea we were in shared conflict, therefore there was no bigger person here, simply a misunderstanding about expectations.”
There were a few more defensive words on both parts. She went away angry. I went away telling myself she couldn’t change the rules in the middle of the game and then feel bad about it, and she certainly shouldn’t feel morally superior about it. 

The truth: 1) She didn’t really change the game, I did by mentioning the move in the context of the planters. (I have searched my mind and heart and am satisfied that I really didn’t care about the planters one way or the other. I was simply talking about our gardens and musing. But it was still inappropriate. Very.)

2) Truth: Because, even though she had told a mutual friend that she did not want to be approached, the Truth is, our shared history negated that. I could have (SHOULD HAVE) said, “Hey, I heard you didn’t want to talk about this, but I want you to know that I am here if you want to shoot ideas and memories around and that I support you and am excited to see how this new chapter works out for you.” 

3) Truth: When she approached me with her hurt feelings, instead of acting badly, I could have said, “I am sorry, you’re right. It was rude of me not to approach you earlier, and it was very rude to approach you only with a question about planters. I was being thoughtless on both levels. Can we sit down and talk about your plans. I’m really interested.”

Boom. I could have done that and we would have mended fences, and perhaps, laid the groundwork for growing closer again. 

***********

That’s it for today. A blogger friend said I mustn’t make the posts too long as it puts off readers. So, thanks for sticking around and see you again soon.



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